It may just kill you
I just want you to be warned about this product.
Even Howard Tuttleman knows it’s October, and that means hallo-ween is coming around the corner. I was going to keep my costume top-secret until the Brodie Family Bar-Boo-Q, but I almost died and I have to tell you how.
BAR because Mr. Brody is an alcoholic.
BOO because that’s what ghosts say.
Q because it’s the last barbecue of the year.
I REALLY wanted to show up as a futuristic-man (from space). I was fascinating myself with this really great idea of how I would construct my “flying space-ship” on the roof. Everyone would be in the backyard and Mr. Brody would be grilling. When all the food was ready he would wait for me because he knows I like to be served first (it’s because I make sure to eat faster than everyone else so if there’s anything good I can get more of it, or get to the dessert faster). But when I don’t show up he’ll go “Where’s Howard, eh?” but because he’s always drunked it’ll sound more like “HAIR! HAIR! GRILLLLLLLED THEM! Mmmmmmm. HOWARD!!!” and right then I’ll pull the rip-cord and come flying down off the roof in my rocket. I’ll have everything lined up so I’ll hit the ground and fly right by the table, swoop up some bread, and then snatch some hot-dogs and hamburgers as I pass the grill. Everyone would be shocked and amazed as they clapped. They would ask me to do it again, but I would humbly decline and go off to eat my food. Later on I could round up some trick-or-treaters and use them as a sort of child-sled-team to pull me and my rocket to all of the houses. So masterfully simple, right? I got about as far as the roof…
This is where the stupid M7 Upper Arm Blood Pressure Monitor comes in. I made my suit out of standard aluminium foil per your usual space-man (from the movies). I didn’t have a helmet yet, so I used a giant glass salad bowl (the one mom usually uses for her stupid bridge parties. It still smells like cabbage-cream dip), and some deluxe fishing waders for “moon-boots”. Now, as you can tell this costume is already looking pretty sharp, but to give it that real futuristic-technology look I put on my M7 Upper Arm Blood Pressure Monitor with all of it’s read-outs and buttons and noises.
After getting all of that stuff on I grabbed my supplies and went up to the roof to construct the rails for the rocket to slide on. This is where I developed a bad habit with the little squeezing-bulb thing. I didn’t know how I could fit it into my costume. It really gave away what my arm device was. After much thought I strategically put it in my mouth. It now appeared to be some sort of breathing apparatus. Perfect, almost. Now, I’m not totally sure what happened next. All I know is that the squeezy-bulb is REALLY fun to chew on. I ended up crashing through the neighbors dog-house. I can only assume that the arm-meter cut off my circulation rendering me useless and more susceptible to gravity, which pulled me off of the roof. The real shame is that the dog-house was what I was going to make my rocket out of.
In the end, I rated it one star for looking really cool. Another because it’s very durable. Even after the crash it still looks cool and all the displays and everything still do stuff. Unfortunately i can’t use it because my cover has been blown and I may be grounded. I just want everyone to know that this device is not a toy, even though it may look like one and can REALLY add to a space-man costume. It is a dangerous tool that can harm you. Later.